#13 - Feelings

 Perhaps the largest disconnect between men and women is the importance they place on feelings. 

Men don't have much use for anything they can't see, screw or eat. Women, on the other hand, place feelings (particularly their own) at the center of everything they say and do.


1) The way they dress: 'I'm was feeling adventurous' (translation: slutty)
2) The things they do: 'I feel like we aren't spending enough time together. (translation: we are going start doing Yoga)
3) The way they eat: 'I always eat raw cookie dough when you make me feel neglected' (translation: it's your fault I'm fat)
4) The way they fight: 'I hear what you're saying but I don't feel what you're saying' (translation: you just lost the argument buddy)


As much as men hate talking about feelings, women LOVE to talk about them. It will be a cold day in hell when a woman chooses to have sex, eat pizza or watch tv over 'sharing her feelings'.


Herein lies the source of much frustration and many a missed football game for the men that are keeping a woman at home.


Unlike pizza, which tastes just as good when left in the fridge for a day, feelings are like a wine that turns to vinegar when not given attention immediately. 

Thanks to that fker Dr. Phil, we're all expected to clear our calendars each time a woman gets infected with feelings. And they're contagious. Everytime your woman hears Katie whining about how inattentive Drew is being, she'll decide to get angry and emotional at you for the same exact thing.

 Life is not an episode of Dawson's Creek. They care too much about feelings. That's the problem with women.

#9 - Last Minute Resistance

No No No No No No...ummmm ok. Yes. sound familiar? Wouldn't life be so much easier if women just did what they wanted rather than try to be perceived as chaste as their 1920s counterparts? How many times does a guy need to play the 'can I come up for a cup of coffee?' card just to give her what she actually wants. Its a tiresome song and dance older than John McCain.

They dress like sluts, chug 5 litres of beer, dance on the bar, grind up against you all night and then expect to be treated like virgin princesses as soon as they step foot outside the club.

Saying no to something, only to agree to it fifteen minutes later does not make us respect you more. It affirms our suspicions that you're just as crazy and irrational as every other woman we've met before you.

If we found disguises and deception amusing, we'd have our balls cut off and read some Shakespeare. Ladies, cut the teasing and start pleasing for a change. They're all about the LMR, that's the problem with women.

#7 - Gossip

Women love to gossip. It can be about anything. Well not anything. You'll hear them gab for hours about shoes, makeup and men, but it's much less likely that you'll catch a group of women discussing foreign economic policy, healthcare reform or auto transmission systems over their skinny double venti mocha lattes.

Women particularly love to gossip about other women. Especially when they have something negative to say. One woman's misfortunes are another's key to popularity amongst the sorority.

'I have some crazy news. We HAVE to meet for coffee ASAP.'

Appropriation of said news: Promised not to tell anyone. "'Of course - Best friends forever!'"
Content of said news: Someone broke up, someone is cheating, someone said something bad about someone else.
Dissemination of said news: Like SARS only faster and more lethal.

Gossip is like a sizzling screenplay in the making. By the time it has reached its final recipient, the storyline has changed multiple times, characters added, common sense removed and many tears shed.

What's ironic about how women gossip is that they all do it under the illusion that no one will ever gossip about them. It never occurs to Jennifer that as soon as she's done telling Melanie all about Tiffany's slutty one nighters, Melanie's calling Tiffany to tell her about how Jennifer hasn't been laid since the invention of the walkman. Tiffany will already be dialing Stacey to spill how both you and Melanie are so jealous of her because your boyfriends are cheating. with eachother. And it goes on and on.

And at the end of each telephone line, sitting next to the woman who just slammed the phone down in aggravation, is a man that will have to spend the next half hour hearing about what a b^tch [insert bimbo] is being.

Billions are lost in productivity each year on account of the time women waste gossiping. They don't know how to stop talking. That's the problem with women.  

#5 - Soap Operas

No matter how bitchy or tyrannical she may be, every woman is a damsel in distress waiting for a prince in shining armor to appear.

This absurdity stems from the warped sense of reality created long ago by movies like Cinderella, the little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty.

And most unfortunately, this penchant for the dramatic only gets worse with age, as the fantasy grows more magical with evermore chick flicks, and the reality  grows less and less appealing with evermore failed relationships.
In order to keep their fantasies alive, women drown out the sound of reason and common sense with scandalous love affairs from 'The Bold and the Beautiful' and exhilirating fight scenes from 'The Young and the Restless'. Nothing fuels the insanity more effectively than surrounding oneself with irrational drama queens and steamy love triangles.



Unfortunately, it is not possible to stay perpetually glued to the television set. Or online chat rooms about Chad's latest love affair with the comatose nurse. When women are forced to transition back into their tepid suburban existence, they suddenly feel a desperate need to recreate that same level of urgency and excitement in their own surroundings. 

Enter irrational tantrums, nuclear meltdowns and melodramatic breakdowns. 

It has nothing to do with you being inattentive or inconsiderate and EVERYTHING to do with whatever incestuous scandal erupted on Days of Our Lives that day. But she doesn't realize that. So you're screwed anyway.

They all live in an irrational fantasy world. That's the problem with women.

#4 - Diets

As volatile as they may be, the one thing you can always count on with women is dieting. If a woman is not bingeing because of some emotional tragedy, she will be on a diet.

Not the male version of a diet which is comprised of healthy food and frequent exercise. Women need to go to extremes. Short of starving themselves and forcing everyone to endure the associated mood swings, they often opt for ludicrous 'fad diets' that only exacerbate the problem and intensify the mood swings. Here are some of the dumbest ones out there:

The Chewing Diet
To properly implement the chewing diet, a person must chew each bite over 32 times, which takes approximately 30 seconds. A large piece of lettuce takes about an hour to process at this rate.

The Sleeping Beauty Diet
You can’t eat while you sleep. So naturally, if you sedate yourself for days and neglect to eat as a result, this starvation diet may actually work for you.

The Vision Diet
If your food looks disgusting, you’re less likely to eat it.

The Cotton Ball Diet
The cotton ball diet is exactly what it sounds like, you eat cotton balls. Some people eat them dry and others soak them in gelatin first.

Imagine taking a woman out to a restaurant, only to have her scarfing down moth balls at the table or sticking her fingers down her throat in the bathroom. Now, add to the mix that the ONLY thing dieting women can talk about is the fact that they're on a diet. Finally, God have mercy on you if you decide to order a normal meal. Unless you are prepared to hear a detailed caloric description of all the 'weightwatcher no nos' and how Jenny Craig strongly advises against carbs after 7pm, I'd reconsider.

The only hilarious part about women on diets is how angry they get when someone they know loses more weight than they do. That woman is immediately classified as 'anorexic' and berated for her self restraint, while the frantic cows scramble through her garbage cans to figure out 'how she did it'.

Less food means more talking. They're always on diets. That's the problem with women.

#2 - Binge Eating

Keep your plants indoors and your pets locked up. Nothing remotely edible is safe when a woman is suffering an emotional attack.

They say that chocolate simulates the feeling of being loved...Cheesy tots, french fries and oreos must simulate the feeling of oxygen underwater by the way women in turmoil scarf them down. 

No matter how healthy and organic the contents of their fridges may be, rest assured that every single woman keeps multiple stashes of junk food hidden behind cupboards, underneath the bed and in Aunt Sally's urn. Its often a matter of survival.

If its an especially tumultuous time in woman's life, such as missing a Macy's sale, not fitting into their Citizen jeans, or agonizing over a guy who just dumped them, women go into lockdown mode. This can be done alone or with a friend. Basically involves sobbing through an entire chick flick such as 'the notebook' while simultaneously vaccuming large amounts of food through their mouths. By the end of the 90 minute movie, they're covered in a mound of empty wrappers and a mask of mucus and crumbs - not a pretty sight.

What is most frustrating about female bingeing is the aftermath that always ensues. Once the sugar coma is over, overwhelming guilt sets in, resulting in i'm so fattism to the tenth degree. Following that, they attempt to undo some of the damage by starving themselves for the next week, moodswings and all.

Women are all crazy binge eaters. That's their problem.

#1 - Bad Driving

 Saying that women can be good drivers, is like saying that men can be good listeners. It comes down to simple genetics and both genders basically have no choice in the matter.


Anytime a woman is behind the wheel, you can be certain that there will be many victims. The pedestrians that see their lives flash before their eyes. The other drivers that get their brand new cars banged up. The helpless passengers that are subjected to the abrupt braking and accelerating. 


The car is no place for singing off key, crying hysterically, or texting furiously while keeping one's eyes constantly averted from the road.  This all adds to the overwhelming chaos and confusion associated with holding a wheel straight while pressing down on a pedal at the same time. It's not easy trying to avoid colliding with the travelling circus in the blue minivan, the Britney Spears' 'Crazy' blasting from the windows, and the emotionally unstable female in the cockpit.

Women drive with all senses except for sight. They listen for the sound of profanities aimed in their direction as they drive, and feel for the thud of smashing bumpers as they park. If only they kept their eyes as open as their mouths while driving, the roads would be a lot safer.

Until women learn that rearview mirrors aren't for applying makeup, they will always be bad drivers. That's the problem with women.