Thursday, September 17, 2009

#2 - Binge Eating

Keep your plants indoors and your pets locked up. Nothing remotely edible is safe when a woman is suffering an emotional attack.

They say that chocolate simulates the feeling of being loved...Cheesy tots, french fries and oreos must simulate the feeling of oxygen underwater by the way women in turmoil scarf them down. 

No matter how healthy and organic the contents of their fridges may be, rest assured that every single woman keeps multiple stashes of junk food hidden behind cupboards, underneath the bed and in Aunt Sally's urn. Its often a matter of survival.

If its an especially tumultuous time in woman's life, such as missing a Macy's sale, not fitting into their Citizen jeans, or agonizing over a guy who just dumped them, women go into lockdown mode. This can be done alone or with a friend. Basically involves sobbing through an entire chick flick such as 'the notebook' while simultaneously vaccuming large amounts of food through their mouths. By the end of the 90 minute movie, they're covered in a mound of empty wrappers and a mask of mucus and crumbs - not a pretty sight.

What is most frustrating about female bingeing is the aftermath that always ensues. Once the sugar coma is over, overwhelming guilt sets in, resulting in i'm so fattism to the tenth degree. Following that, they attempt to undo some of the damage by starving themselves for the next week, moodswings and all.

Women are all crazy binge eaters. That's their problem.

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