Friday, October 23, 2009

#22 - Dressing like sluts for Halloween

Just kidding. I have no problem with this. (is that a leash around the middle one's neck?)

Monday, October 19, 2009

#21 - Blindly following fashion trends

Belly tops. high waisted jeans. moo moo tops. The list goes on. Women exercise no judgment when it comes to fashion. They throw a mini skirt on over their tree stumps and immediately assume they look like Megan Fox.

Fashion over function. All it would take is for one of their favourite celebrities to go outside wearing a garbage bag for a dress, and you'd have a harem of women fighting over trashcans for their next outfit.

Britney brought back tummy rings. Shakira made it acceptable to wear hooker boots. Pamela blessed us with her ample cleavage. But thanks to miss Lindsay Lohan, the most widely spread fashion faux pas du jour is the gratuitous wearing of leggings as pants.

two words. camel toe.

While I am a fervent supporter of all things skintight and revealing on hot girls, it's the other 99% of women wearing these aberrations that I take issue with.

If your leggings are neon spandex, pleather or semi-transparent, this applies to you. If you feel a jiggle in your rear end every time your hooves hit the pavement, this applies to you. If people cringe as you waddle by, this applies to YOU.

Do us all a favor. Stop listening to those frenemies that say you look great just as you are. Be aware of your own physical limitations and invest in a real pair of pants.

Either trim down or cover up. They don't think before they get dressed. That's the problem with women.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

#20 - Hag Mags

Ahhh the trials and tribulations of the fairer sex.
Do camel suede shoes match with a tazmanian cashmere vest? What does your hairstyle say about YOU? How can you get fab abs in only 10 days?

Were it not for the monthly rags covering these important issues in painstaking detail, womankind wouldn't know what to do with itself.

Along with reruns from Sex and the City, magazines like Cosmo, Elle, and Marie Claire are a gal's guide to life. From everyday tips such as 'bulimia on a budget', 'How to fake being pregnant so he proposes', to the important life changing events like 'Your very first Louis Vuitton', these mags are with them every step of the way, making sure they are constantly spending a man's hard earned money while feeling bad about their bodies. 

The colour schemes and the skeletal strumpets adorning the front will change every month, but the content is always essentially the same:

1) Some reference to 'Life changing steals' or other fashion items you simply must buy: What is a vintage mink fur muff anyway and why does it cost $5,000? Mags will often  push all sorts of 'funky' and outlandish outfits so that they will need to be replaced by the time the next issue is published.
2) References to celebrities with strong recommendations to mimic them in dress and hairstyle. It is essential to know what eyeliner Rachel McAdams wears and what beauty accessories Gwen Stefani won't leave home without. Women wouldn't be able to identify themselves otherwise.
3) Some thrilling sob story about a a botched boob job or a woman who was abused by her boyfriend (sometimes the latter occurring because of the former): No one reads these articles, they just take up space and give the lesbian writers something to do with their time.
4) Another sob article about maintaining positive body image: Usually smack in the middle, sandwiched between 20 pages of tanorexic bodyshots and advertisements for liposuction and breast enhancements.
5) Compatibility tests: Your boyfriend would obviously not rather watch Entourage when he can take a quiz about all your favourite shampoos instead.
6) Sex tips: How to keep the sheets sizzling. 56 ways to please your man. Make him scream for more. Too bad Women are all hoveled up in bed looking at these articles rather than following the advice they give.
7) Horoscopes: Only part of the magazine that women actually read. It doesn't matter that 1/12th of the population will share their exact horoscope. They take these pronouncements as the word of God, written specifically unto them.

They 'partake in literature' that involves looking at pictures and circling handbags rather than actual reading. That's the problem with women.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

#19 - Smothering

I just saw you looking at that woman. Have you called the accountant yet? What are you doing with that waitress? It's not friendly, it's inappropriate and insulting to me. Who's that woman who picked up when I called your office? When did you get a new secretary.? I don't like her. I don't want her answering my phone calls. Have you called the accountant yet? Golf??? You were supposed to fix the fence this weekend. I don't care if you haven't seen your best friend in ten years, you said you'd fix the FENCE. Julie's husband did the most romantic thing for their anniversary... Have you called the accountant yet?

Whether you've been dating for 10 months or married for ten years, all women begin to smother. Remember the feeling when you were in your mother's womb and you had no control over what you ate, where you went or what you did? That's was Mothering. Now think about how you've replaced steak with low carb, buddies with the in-laws, and weekend golf with antique armchair shopping. That my friend, is SMOTHERING.

The only way to avoid being smothered, is to incite so much hatred and repulsion that she won't want to have anything to do with you. Most men master this within the first few years of marriage, some within the first few weeks of dating. Some men, however, are either gay and enjoy spending Sundays color categorizing women's wardrobes, or are too scared to ever do anything about it. At least they do not have to fear spending the afterlife in purgatory. They're already in hell.

They can't think for themselves so they try and think for everyone else. That's the problem with women.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

#18 - Stuffed Animals

It is a very disturbing bond that develops between a woman and her stuffed animals.

Objectophilia, the attribution of names, feelings and personalities to inanimate objects, most often occurs amongst women that were fat and unpopular growing up. Rather than play with barbies and get prematurely molested by high school jocks, these girls stayed home to have dress-up parties with their friends Mr. Wimpleton, Taffy Mouse and Fuzzy Bogart the third.

By the time these women are fully grown adults, their furry, festering menaces will have been through everything with them; losing their virginity, the first serious breakup, living away from home. The bond is permanent.

That's why every female with a collection of rotting stuffed crap is apalled by the idea of throwing it away.

When it starts to really get creepy, is when Tubby Bear or Mr. Snuffles eerily becomes an outlet for women to express emotion. Snuffles is mad at you. Snuffles wants you to come over. Ask Snuffles. Snuffles and I will think about it. 

Do not question any of this. You just need to play along. As long as they don't dress you up in any weird costumes, or call you Bingo Bear during intercourse, it's just standard everyday female psychosis.

Their most pleasant relationships are with objects that can't hear them or talk back to them. That's the problem with women.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

#17 - Buying Behaviour

When a man needs a pair of shoes, he walks into a store, tries a few on, and buys the first one that fits.

For women, buying shoes is a highly disruptive process spanning over many days and disrupting the lives of everyone involved.

Phase 1: Research all favourite celebrities and fashion magazines to see which shoes are in style.
Phase 2: Visit every department store, online catalogue or boutique in town and narrow choices down to two extremely similar pairs of shoes.
Phase 3: Spend the next few days agonizing over which pair to buy. There's a reason why Manolo, Christian and all the other famous shoe designers are men...women never know what they want.

And since women can never form full thoughts or opinions on their own, they will involve everyone from boyfriend to gynaecologist in the decision making process. Let's assume that a woman's time is worth the same as that of the average dunkin donuts minimum wage employee.

Phase 1: 4 hours @ $8/hr. $32.
Phase 2: 6 hours @ $8/hr + transportation. $60.
Phase 3: 5 hours*2 people @ $8/hr. $80. (assuming she's wasting the time of other equally useless women)

Just buying the two pairs of python suede gladiator boots and shutting the f#$k up so we can all get on with our lives: Priceless

They think more about what's on their feet than in their heads. That's the problem with women.

#16 - 'Making' Gifts

Gone are the days of daycare and pre-school. You know that Santa clause does not really exist, that your teeth won't fall out if you don't brush them, and that its no longer the thought that counts.

People like expensive gifts. That's the simple truth.

Presents made from acrylics, hemp or old newspaper are for vegan hippies and handicapped children in Asia. If we bought you that Tiffany's bracelet you wanted for your birthday, I think we're expecting a little more than a hug and a handmade scrapbook full of lovesick scriptures and coupons with no resale value.

If you want to get credit for being thoughtful on our birthdays, think extra hard about which watch we'd like best or what position we'd prefer to see you in.

And don't take us out for dinner either. Unless you're planning to put out afterwards.

Gluing macaroni onto a piece of paper is cute at 5 and pathetic at any age thereafter. They're always 'making' gifts. That's the problem with women.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

#15 - Taking Pictures

The next time you are out at a bar or at a club, take a look at the women around you:
10% will be asking you to take photos of them and their friends.
20% will be posing for the photos you will be asked to take of them and their friends.
30% will be looking at those photos and deleting the ones they do not like.
And the remaining 40% will be re-posing with their friends while you snap however many photos it takes for them all to be satisfied.

The math is simple.
1) For every hour they spent getting ready, they will need at least one good photo to commemorate.
2) For every five photos, two will make them look fat, one will be blurry, one will be missing the flash and only ONE will be acceptable.

5 photos to get one good one, one good one needed for every hour of preparation. This equation is not static across the board. The uglier the girl, the more time spent preparing, the more good photos needed, the lower the probability of achieving a satisfactory photo. Let's say three hours of preparation: 3 photos needed, 15 photos taken. Not bad.

Now, add 4 of her good from far but far from good looking girlfriends. The math starts to get complicated.

Again, each girl takes three hours to get ready. Means we need three good photos for each of them. For every five photos, each girl gets at least one veto where she absolutely hates a photo and wants it deleted. The probability that all 5 girls will be moderately content with 3 photos each is a little under 1 in 94 (3*5*(1/(20%*80%))). 2 minutes per photo including viewing and bitching. 188 minutes. 3 hours+ of constant photos. Get the idea?

When facebook first appeared, people used it so they could go out more. Nowadays, people go out so they can use facebook more. Nothing gets you to the top of someone's feed faster than a new album of pics from the night before.

That is why it is virtually impossible to eat a nice meal, go for a few drinks or even walk down the street without being blinded by the constant flashing of a camera.

And there are always those women who will have a constant scowl plastered on their face, only to magically spring to life as soon as the threatening red light of a camera flash goes off.

Why don't you stop taking pictures so you can actually have a good time instead of pretending for the camera. They're constantly snapping photos. That's the problem with women.

#14 - Jennifer vs. Angelina

Aniston Fan Attacks Jolie
A devotee of former Friends star Jennifer Aniston flew into a rage when she discovered the actress' love rival, Angelina Jolie, was dining at a nearby table in Berlin, Germany and attempted to beat her up.

It's been almost 5 years. Britney Spears flashed the world and we got over it. Elliott Spitzer was running a prostitution ring and we got over it. Roman Polanski was arrested for pedophilism and we're already over it. Yet women can't seem to put the Angelina / Jen controversy to rest.   

Don't get me wrong. It's always a relief when women are talking about actual people as opposed to characters from Desperate Housewives or Sex and the City. But it's still quite disturbing to see women become so emotionally involved in the lives of people they've never met. 

To the cardigan wearing, chamomille tea sipping Jen enthusiasts, Angelina is a homewrecking slut. 
To the tattoo clad, bitch-boot strutting Angelina aficionados, Jen is a prudish bore.
To the men that don't care but have to listen anyway, God help us.

Who you choose does more to define you amongst other women than any other single aspect of your life. Short of sporting gang colours and sparking up bar brawls, this issue has undeniably changed the world of bimbos forever. 

Lives shattered, friendships ruined, countless hours wasted in heated debate. All because of that one quintessential question. 
Jen or Angelina? 

Get your head out of the tabloids and read a real book for a change. They're too consumed with other people's lives. That's the problem with women.

#13 - Feelings

 Perhaps the largest disconnect between men and women is the importance they place on feelings. 

Men don't have much use for anything they can't see, screw or eat. Women, on the other hand, place feelings (particularly their own) at the center of everything they say and do.

1) The way they dress: 'I'm was feeling adventurous' (translation: slutty)
2) The things they do: 'I feel like we aren't spending enough time together. (translation: we are going start doing Yoga)
3) The way they eat: 'I always eat raw cookie dough when you make me feel neglected' (translation: it's your fault I'm fat)
4) The way they fight: 'I hear what you're saying but I don't feel what you're saying' (translation: you just lost the argument buddy)

As much as men hate talking about feelings, women LOVE to talk about them. It will be a cold day in hell when a woman chooses to have sex, eat pizza or watch tv over 'sharing her feelings'.

Herein lies the source of much frustration and many a missed football game for the men that are keeping a woman at home.

Unlike pizza, which tastes just as good when left in the fridge for a day, feelings are like a wine that turns to vinegar when not given attention immediately. 

Thanks to that fker Dr. Phil, we're all expected to clear our calendars each time a woman gets infected with feelings. And they're contagious. Everytime your woman hears Katie whining about how inattentive Drew is being, she'll decide to get angry and emotional at you for the same exact thing.

 Life is not an episode of Dawson's Creek. They care too much about feelings. That's the problem with women.

Monday, October 5, 2009

#12 - Grey's Anatomy

Ugh. Greys Anatomy. Possibly the worst plot lines since Full House. But with more annoying actors. That includes Bob Saget.

With a cast that can only be switched out once a year, there are only so many permutations to work with. This means the same couples keep painstakingly breaking up and getting back together over and over again. 

The show basically chronicles the life of a whiny anorexic and her testosterone hyped up overachieving asian friend. Women like it because every episode contains more drama, queers and tears than Perez Hilton on steroids. 44 minutes elapsed, only 2 minutes to go. Cue intense music. In the next 30 seconds someone will either be dying, crying or making out like their lives depend on it.

If Grey's Anatomy were real life, Grey's medical license would be revoked for her crack addiction, the patients would all die because of their doctor's sex induced neglect, and the hospital would get sued on account of all the doctor-intern screwing around.

Garbage in, garbage out. They all rearrange their lives to watch crap on TV. That's the problem with women.

#11 - Their Relationships with their Mothers

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. - Oscar Wilde

You can learn a lot about a woman by observing her mother. As women age, they become decreasingly capable of hiding their true nature and saggy bosom. The older she gets, the more she will look and sound like mother dearest. And unless her name is Shilo Nouvel Pitt or Suri Cruise, nine times out of ten that won't be a good thing.

All mothers hand down complexes to their daughters...often the same ones they were given once upon a time by their own mothers.

You look pregnant. Slow down, the food's not going anywhere. You're going to wear that? Your legs look like tree stumps. How will you ever find someone to marry you? Try to fix your hair a little, I didn't raise a street urchin. Keep your chin out, so you look less fat.  

Every conversation starts out with a polite greeting, followed by 10 minutes of criticsm, 30 minutes of undecipherable screaming and yelling, a few tears shed and then the slamming of a telephone. 

These conversations take place as little as 7 times a week, and as many as 7 times a day. Always with no purpose. Always unpleasant.

You'd think women would have the common sense not to turn into the mothers they've suffered with their whole lives. They don't.

Their mothers are a never ending source of crazy. That's the problem with women.     

Friday, October 2, 2009

#10 - Scrapbooking

Scrapbooking 101:
Step 1:Glue pictures of babies onto coloured pieces of paper. 
Step 2: Add sparkles, ribbons and buttons.
Step 3: Add more babies. Add more paper. Keep repeating.

Caution: Do not perform while under the influence of intelligent thought.

How this so called 'Social Activity' generates so much excitement among fully grown women I will never understand.
Maybe if women weren't so obsessed with commemorating the past, they might do something useful for the future.

The Wall Street Journal is projecting sales for the scrapbooking industry to hit $1.75 billion for 2009 alone - in the midst of the worst economic climate we've ever experienced.

In the 1960s, North American women made themselves useful by staying home to cook, clean and care for their children.
In the 1980s, women contributed to society by entering the workforce.
Nowadays, it seems a woman's time is best spent decimating entire forests over tea and biscuits. 

Tissue paper and felt pens belong in the Kindergarten classroom. They don't do anything useful with their time. That's the problem with women.

#9 - Last Minute Resistance

No No No No No No...ummmm ok. Yes. sound familiar? Wouldn't life be so much easier if women just did what they wanted rather than try to be perceived as chaste as their 1920s counterparts? How many times does a guy need to play the 'can I come up for a cup of coffee?' card just to give her what she actually wants. Its a tiresome song and dance older than John McCain.

They dress like sluts, chug 5 litres of beer, dance on the bar, grind up against you all night and then expect to be treated like virgin princesses as soon as they step foot outside the club.

Saying no to something, only to agree to it fifteen minutes later does not make us respect you more. It affirms our suspicions that you're just as crazy and irrational as every other woman we've met before you.

If we found disguises and deception amusing, we'd have our balls cut off and read some Shakespeare. Ladies, cut the teasing and start pleasing for a change. They're all about the LMR, that's the problem with women.