Tuesday, September 29, 2009

#8 - Being Difficult

Women love to be difficult. Its not so much that the dressing didn't come on the side, that the volume is a tad bit loud, or that your driving is too fast. Its that unless you are making tremendous efforts to acquiesce to their every wish, women feel like they are being under appreciated.

In the movies, the man usually makes one grand gesture to prove his love and then the couple proceeds to live happily ever after.

In reality, women need constant reassurance. What this means for men is an endless array of hoops to jump through.

Its not high school anymore. Men are no longer willing to walk on fire for you just to get to second base. But women just don't seem to get it.

They always seem to feel better about themselves when they are making other people miserable. Even if its just finding a way to create 30 variations on their coffee order (venti skinny mocha non whipped sugar free latte with steamed milk not foamed and extra cinnamon on top) it makes them feel unique and special. The bigger the inconvenience, the more 'valued' they feel.

Female rationale: If a woman accepts to sit at the first table she is offered, or doesn't make a scene when you forget to open the door or let her order first, she is obviously lowering her standards and accepting to be treated like garbage.

This is the logic that leads to many an embarrassing night out. Its an all too familiar scene to hear a woman mouthing off to some waiter while her helpless date has his head lowered to the floor.

The waiters always make the mistake of asking women what they want - women NEVER know what they want

I'd prefer to sit by the window. Its freezing here, turn the heating up. My food is too hot. The menu didn't say anything about parsley. I hate parsley. The portions are always too big here. Why do they put so much dressing. My steak was overcooked. The pasta was almost raw. This place is too pretentious. You never take me anywhere nice. My ex used to take me to the most romantic italian place. I'd like to see your manager. Did you see how the waitress looked at me? She is not getting a tip. The whole $400 evening is ruined. Let's leave.

Save the bitching for the 18 cats you'll end up with. Women are always being difficult. That's the problem with them.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

#7 - Gossip

Women love to gossip. It can be about anything. Well not anything. You'll hear them gab for hours about shoes, makeup and men, but it's much less likely that you'll catch a group of women discussing foreign economic policy, healthcare reform or auto transmission systems over their skinny double venti mocha lattes.

Women particularly love to gossip about other women. Especially when they have something negative to say. One woman's misfortunes are another's key to popularity amongst the sorority.

'I have some crazy news. We HAVE to meet for coffee ASAP.'

Appropriation of said news: Promised not to tell anyone. "'Of course - Best friends forever!'"
Content of said news: Someone broke up, someone is cheating, someone said something bad about someone else.
Dissemination of said news: Like SARS only faster and more lethal.

Gossip is like a sizzling screenplay in the making. By the time it has reached its final recipient, the storyline has changed multiple times, characters added, common sense removed and many tears shed.

What's ironic about how women gossip is that they all do it under the illusion that no one will ever gossip about them. It never occurs to Jennifer that as soon as she's done telling Melanie all about Tiffany's slutty one nighters, Melanie's calling Tiffany to tell her about how Jennifer hasn't been laid since the invention of the walkman. Tiffany will already be dialing Stacey to spill how both you and Melanie are so jealous of her because your boyfriends are cheating. with eachother. And it goes on and on.

And at the end of each telephone line, sitting next to the woman who just slammed the phone down in aggravation, is a man that will have to spend the next half hour hearing about what a b^tch [insert bimbo] is being.

Billions are lost in productivity each year on account of the time women waste gossiping. They don't know how to stop talking. That's the problem with women.  

Monday, September 21, 2009

#6 - Weddings

If you're thinking of proposing you better as hell be sure. Because every single tantrum you're dragged into at the flower shop, caterer or dressmaker between now and 'the big day' will serve to convince you otherwise.

A woman's journey from Ms. to Mrs. can be likened to Dr. Jekyll's transformation into Mr. Hyde. With every botched rehearsal, smudged invitation card or unflattering engagment picture, the monster inside is getting stronger, fighting to come out. And then you say something silly like, 'What's the difference?' when referring to matte or glossy seating cards. Enter bridezilla. it's over buddy. That's the last you'll ever see of that sweet girl you asked to spend the rest of your life with.  

What's the big fkng deal with weddings anyways? You don't know half the people there. Who cares about the subtle difference between cream colored and ecru? Who will remember rose centerpieces over lillies? Who gives a damn in hell that Aunt Judith is in a fight with her brother in law's cousin and they can't be seated at the same table?
She will scream, she will cry, and almost too often she will bite. Anything to get princess what she wants. Hang in there buddy, its going to be a long ride.

Weddings turn them crazy. That's the problem with women.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

#5 - Soap Operas

No matter how bitchy or tyrannical she may be, every woman is a damsel in distress waiting for a prince in shining armor to appear.

This absurdity stems from the warped sense of reality created long ago by movies like Cinderella, the little Mermaid and Sleeping Beauty.

And most unfortunately, this penchant for the dramatic only gets worse with age, as the fantasy grows more magical with evermore chick flicks, and the reality  grows less and less appealing with evermore failed relationships.
In order to keep their fantasies alive, women drown out the sound of reason and common sense with scandalous love affairs from 'The Bold and the Beautiful' and exhilirating fight scenes from 'The Young and the Restless'. Nothing fuels the insanity more effectively than surrounding oneself with irrational drama queens and steamy love triangles.

Unfortunately, it is not possible to stay perpetually glued to the television set. Or online chat rooms about Chad's latest love affair with the comatose nurse. When women are forced to transition back into their tepid suburban existence, they suddenly feel a desperate need to recreate that same level of urgency and excitement in their own surroundings. 

Enter irrational tantrums, nuclear meltdowns and melodramatic breakdowns. 

It has nothing to do with you being inattentive or inconsiderate and EVERYTHING to do with whatever incestuous scandal erupted on Days of Our Lives that day. But she doesn't realize that. So you're screwed anyway.

They all live in an irrational fantasy world. That's the problem with women.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

#4 - Diets

As volatile as they may be, the one thing you can always count on with women is dieting. If a woman is not bingeing because of some emotional tragedy, she will be on a diet.

Not the male version of a diet which is comprised of healthy food and frequent exercise. Women need to go to extremes. Short of starving themselves and forcing everyone to endure the associated mood swings, they often opt for ludicrous 'fad diets' that only exacerbate the problem and intensify the mood swings. Here are some of the dumbest ones out there:

The Chewing Diet
To properly implement the chewing diet, a person must chew each bite over 32 times, which takes approximately 30 seconds. A large piece of lettuce takes about an hour to process at this rate.

The Sleeping Beauty Diet
You can’t eat while you sleep. So naturally, if you sedate yourself for days and neglect to eat as a result, this starvation diet may actually work for you.

The Vision Diet
If your food looks disgusting, you’re less likely to eat it.

The Cotton Ball Diet
The cotton ball diet is exactly what it sounds like, you eat cotton balls. Some people eat them dry and others soak them in gelatin first.

Imagine taking a woman out to a restaurant, only to have her scarfing down moth balls at the table or sticking her fingers down her throat in the bathroom. Now, add to the mix that the ONLY thing dieting women can talk about is the fact that they're on a diet. Finally, God have mercy on you if you decide to order a normal meal. Unless you are prepared to hear a detailed caloric description of all the 'weightwatcher no nos' and how Jenny Craig strongly advises against carbs after 7pm, I'd reconsider.

The only hilarious part about women on diets is how angry they get when someone they know loses more weight than they do. That woman is immediately classified as 'anorexic' and berated for her self restraint, while the frantic cows scramble through her garbage cans to figure out 'how she did it'.

Less food means more talking. They're always on diets. That's the problem with women.

Friday, September 18, 2009

#3 - Sex and the City

The second you walk into a woman's apartment and see a boxed set of Sex and the City DVDs, it's time to cut your losses short and bolt like your pants are on fire.

It's not a TV show. It's a man-hating, martini drinking, christian louboutin worshipping cult. Women quote SATC like religious fanatics quote the bible. This is exactly like that time Samantha was dating the realtor who wouldn't commit because of his childhood abuse issues.

The show is about four single women that ALWAYS end up single. After yet another breakup, instead of realizing their faults and correcting them, they choose to sit around eating ice cream and complaining about how everything is the man's fault. This is why they are always single.

Women dont realize this. Instead, they spend the whole show going 'oh my god that's so true', 'guys are such jerks', 'i cant believe what an asshole BIG is being'.

The show's protagonist, a whiny, high maintenance golddigger, spends the entire show throwing hissy fits and then bitching about the men who caused them. In the final minute of every episode, she makes some meaningless reflection about life. The slower and more dramatically she speaks, the less important the nonsense she has to say.

When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones.

If you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Is it possible to transform a once passionate love into something that fits nice and easily onto the friendship shelf? I couldn’t help but wonder... can you be friends with an x?

Someone take a knife to her jugular please.

They should try having some sex of their own rather than living vicariously through sluts on television. That's the problem with women.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

#2 - Binge Eating

Keep your plants indoors and your pets locked up. Nothing remotely edible is safe when a woman is suffering an emotional attack.

They say that chocolate simulates the feeling of being loved...Cheesy tots, french fries and oreos must simulate the feeling of oxygen underwater by the way women in turmoil scarf them down. 

No matter how healthy and organic the contents of their fridges may be, rest assured that every single woman keeps multiple stashes of junk food hidden behind cupboards, underneath the bed and in Aunt Sally's urn. Its often a matter of survival.

If its an especially tumultuous time in woman's life, such as missing a Macy's sale, not fitting into their Citizen jeans, or agonizing over a guy who just dumped them, women go into lockdown mode. This can be done alone or with a friend. Basically involves sobbing through an entire chick flick such as 'the notebook' while simultaneously vaccuming large amounts of food through their mouths. By the end of the 90 minute movie, they're covered in a mound of empty wrappers and a mask of mucus and crumbs - not a pretty sight.

What is most frustrating about female bingeing is the aftermath that always ensues. Once the sugar coma is over, overwhelming guilt sets in, resulting in i'm so fattism to the tenth degree. Following that, they attempt to undo some of the damage by starving themselves for the next week, moodswings and all.

Women are all crazy binge eaters. That's their problem.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

#1 - Bad Driving

 Saying that women can be good drivers, is like saying that men can be good listeners. It comes down to simple genetics and both genders basically have no choice in the matter.

Anytime a woman is behind the wheel, you can be certain that there will be many victims. The pedestrians that see their lives flash before their eyes. The other drivers that get their brand new cars banged up. The helpless passengers that are subjected to the abrupt braking and accelerating. 

The car is no place for singing off key, crying hysterically, or texting furiously while keeping one's eyes constantly averted from the road.  This all adds to the overwhelming chaos and confusion associated with holding a wheel straight while pressing down on a pedal at the same time. It's not easy trying to avoid colliding with the travelling circus in the blue minivan, the Britney Spears' 'Crazy' blasting from the windows, and the emotionally unstable female in the cockpit.

Women drive with all senses except for sight. They listen for the sound of profanities aimed in their direction as they drive, and feel for the thud of smashing bumpers as they park. If only they kept their eyes as open as their mouths while driving, the roads would be a lot safer.

Until women learn that rearview mirrors aren't for applying makeup, they will always be bad drivers. That's the problem with women.