Saturday, September 19, 2009

#4 - Diets

As volatile as they may be, the one thing you can always count on with women is dieting. If a woman is not bingeing because of some emotional tragedy, she will be on a diet.

Not the male version of a diet which is comprised of healthy food and frequent exercise. Women need to go to extremes. Short of starving themselves and forcing everyone to endure the associated mood swings, they often opt for ludicrous 'fad diets' that only exacerbate the problem and intensify the mood swings. Here are some of the dumbest ones out there:

The Chewing Diet
To properly implement the chewing diet, a person must chew each bite over 32 times, which takes approximately 30 seconds. A large piece of lettuce takes about an hour to process at this rate.

The Sleeping Beauty Diet
You can’t eat while you sleep. So naturally, if you sedate yourself for days and neglect to eat as a result, this starvation diet may actually work for you.

The Vision Diet
If your food looks disgusting, you’re less likely to eat it.

The Cotton Ball Diet
The cotton ball diet is exactly what it sounds like, you eat cotton balls. Some people eat them dry and others soak them in gelatin first.

Imagine taking a woman out to a restaurant, only to have her scarfing down moth balls at the table or sticking her fingers down her throat in the bathroom. Now, add to the mix that the ONLY thing dieting women can talk about is the fact that they're on a diet. Finally, God have mercy on you if you decide to order a normal meal. Unless you are prepared to hear a detailed caloric description of all the 'weightwatcher no nos' and how Jenny Craig strongly advises against carbs after 7pm, I'd reconsider.

The only hilarious part about women on diets is how angry they get when someone they know loses more weight than they do. That woman is immediately classified as 'anorexic' and berated for her self restraint, while the frantic cows scramble through her garbage cans to figure out 'how she did it'.

Less food means more talking. They're always on diets. That's the problem with women.

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