Sunday, October 18, 2009

#20 - Hag Mags

Ahhh the trials and tribulations of the fairer sex.
Do camel suede shoes match with a tazmanian cashmere vest? What does your hairstyle say about YOU? How can you get fab abs in only 10 days?

Were it not for the monthly rags covering these important issues in painstaking detail, womankind wouldn't know what to do with itself.

Along with reruns from Sex and the City, magazines like Cosmo, Elle, and Marie Claire are a gal's guide to life. From everyday tips such as 'bulimia on a budget', 'How to fake being pregnant so he proposes', to the important life changing events like 'Your very first Louis Vuitton', these mags are with them every step of the way, making sure they are constantly spending a man's hard earned money while feeling bad about their bodies. 

The colour schemes and the skeletal strumpets adorning the front will change every month, but the content is always essentially the same:

1) Some reference to 'Life changing steals' or other fashion items you simply must buy: What is a vintage mink fur muff anyway and why does it cost $5,000? Mags will often  push all sorts of 'funky' and outlandish outfits so that they will need to be replaced by the time the next issue is published.
2) References to celebrities with strong recommendations to mimic them in dress and hairstyle. It is essential to know what eyeliner Rachel McAdams wears and what beauty accessories Gwen Stefani won't leave home without. Women wouldn't be able to identify themselves otherwise.
3) Some thrilling sob story about a a botched boob job or a woman who was abused by her boyfriend (sometimes the latter occurring because of the former): No one reads these articles, they just take up space and give the lesbian writers something to do with their time.
4) Another sob article about maintaining positive body image: Usually smack in the middle, sandwiched between 20 pages of tanorexic bodyshots and advertisements for liposuction and breast enhancements.
5) Compatibility tests: Your boyfriend would obviously not rather watch Entourage when he can take a quiz about all your favourite shampoos instead.
6) Sex tips: How to keep the sheets sizzling. 56 ways to please your man. Make him scream for more. Too bad Women are all hoveled up in bed looking at these articles rather than following the advice they give.
7) Horoscopes: Only part of the magazine that women actually read. It doesn't matter that 1/12th of the population will share their exact horoscope. They take these pronouncements as the word of God, written specifically unto them.

They 'partake in literature' that involves looking at pictures and circling handbags rather than actual reading. That's the problem with women.

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